MY LIFE RIGHT NOW IS ON FREE FALL. HANGING ON A BALANCE, NOT SURE IF IT WOULD CONTINUE TO HOLD OR COMPLETELY BREAK AND SNAP IN TWO. SOMETIMES IT SWINGS FREELY AGAINST THE WIND, SWAYING TO WHERE THE WIND IS THE STRONGEST, AND SOMETIMES I FEAR IT WOULD SNAP WHEN THE WIND IS SO STRONG AND IT WOULD HANG PRECARIOUSLY AND SHAKES SO VIOLENTLY. THAT IS HOW MY LIFE IS RIGHT NOW, HANGING PRECARIOUSLY, SHAKING AND SWINGING AGAINST THE UNPREDICTABLE WIND. A LOT OF THINGS HAD HAPPENED, AND NOW EVERYTHING IS HAPPENING TOO FAST, TOO QUICK, THAT IT LEFT ME DIZZY IN ITS WAKE.

I KNOW I TOLD YOU GUYS ABOUT THE MAN WHO HAD COMPLETELY DESTROYED ME. AND HOW I HAD GIVEN HIM UP. A LOT OF THINGS HAD HAPPENED AFTER THAT, THINGS THAT IS SO UNEXPECTED THAT IS SO IRONIC THAT I DON'T KNOW IF THIS IS SOME KIND OF SARCASTIC JOKE OR WHAT.

HE HAD A VERY NASTY FIGHT WITH HIS MOM, AND THE WOMAN WAS PRACTICALLY BEATING HIM UP. I DIDN'T WANT TO INTERFERE I AM AN OUTSIDER AFTER ALL. HE WASN'T FIGHTING BACK, BUT I FEARED THAT THE WOMAN MIGHT HAVE A HEART ATTACK OR SOMETHING FROM THE ANGER AND THE FIGHT, THAT I STOPPED HER FROM HITTING MY EX. SHE TOLD HIM TO GET OUT OF THE HOUSE AND NEVER COME BACK. I RAN AFTER HIM AND ASKED HIM TO WAIT. I DIDN'T KNOW WHY I DID THAT, WHY I STOPPED HIM FROM RUNNING AWAY. I WENT BACK TO THE MOM AND TOLD HER THAT I WOULD GO AFTER HIM. AT FIRST, SHE ASKED ME WHY I WANTED HIM, THAT WHY WOULD I RUN AFTER HIM AFTER ALL WHAT HE DID. I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT TO ANSWER AT FIRST. MIXED EMOTIONS ARE SWIMMING INSIDE OF ME AT THAT VERY MOMENT. BUT MY VOICE WAS CLEAR AND MY MIND WAS MADE UP WHEN I TOLD HER THAT I LOVE HIM. I STILL LOVE HIM. DESPITE OF EVERYTHING. DESPITE OF EVERYTHING THAT HAD HAPPENED TO US, I REALLY LOVE HIM SO MUCH. HE WAS MY LIFE AFTER ALL, THAT I HAD GIVEN UP HALF OF MY LIFE TO THIS MAN. THAT THIS MAN OWNS ME, I AM HIS POSSESSION, THAT I DON'T WANT TO BELONG TO ANYONE ELSE BUT HIS.

I TOLD HER, I WOULD UNDERSTAND IF SHE TOLD ME THAT I CAN'T GO BACK ANYMORE IF I RAN AFTER HER SON, THAT IF SHE WANTED ME TO GO AWAY PERMANENTLY I WOULD UNDERSTAND. SO I GRABBED A BAG, PUT SOME CLOTHES IN IT AND GRABBED WHAT LITTLE MONEY I HAVE AND RAN AFTER HIM.

HE WAS CRYING AND SO DEVASTED AND LOST. I WAS STILL A LITTLE SHOCK AT WHAT I DID, THAT I WAS BERATING MYSELF FOR BEING SO IMPULSIVE. BUT THERE I WAS, SITTING THERE, LISTENING TO HIM AS HE RANT AND RAVE OVER WHAT HAPPENED AND I OFFERED SOME ADVICE. HE'S GOT NOWHERE ELSE TO GO, AND I KNOW THAT HE IS LIKE ME, GOT NO ONE ELSE TO TURN TO IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT WITH SUITCASES AND TORN SHIRT THAT HIS MOM PRACTICALLY ALMOST RIPPED OFF HIS BACK FROM ANGER.

I TOOK HIM TO A HOTEL. OFFERING HIM THE COMFORT THAT HE NEEDED AND THE SAFE HAVEN HE WAS NEEDING AT THAT MOMENT. I REALLY DIDN'T KNOW WHY I TOOK HIM THERE AND WHY I STAYED WITH HIM. AFTER ALL, THIS IS THE MAN WHO HAD RIPPED ME INTO PIECES. BUT THESE PAST FEW DAYS, WE WERE REPAIRING WHAT WE HAD DESTROYED OR WHAT HE HAD DESTROYED. BEFORE THIS INCIDENT I WAS TOTALLY OUT OF IT, THAT I HAD COMPLETELY GIVEN HIM UP. BUT MY FEET WOULDN'T BUDGE AND MY HAND COULDN'T REACH FOR THE DOOR. I STAYED FOR A BIT, LISTENING TO HIM CRY AND TALK IN BROKEN SENTENCES. BUT WHEN HE SAID, "I NEED YOU." EVERYTHING THAT HAD HAPPENED FOR THE LAST 3 WEEKS COMPLETELY VANISHED FROM MY MEMORY. I ALMOST CRIED WHEN HE REACHED OUT TO TOUCH ME. IT FEELS LIKE FOREVER THAT I FELT THOSE HANDS, THAT I FELT THOSE LIPS. IT WAS LIKE A PART OF ME THAT HAD BEEN BROKEN AND WOUNDED AND NOW IT'S BACK AND HEALED. I SURRENDERED TO THEM, THIS IS MY LOST SANCTUARY, MY LOST HAVEN. I HAD GIVEN HALF OF MY LIFE TO THIS. THIS IS MINE AND MINE ALONE. THOUGH I WAS STILL A LITTLE UNCERTAIN, THAT I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN AFTER THIS, I GAVE IN.

I SURRENDERED MYSELF COMPLETELY, LIKE AN OFFERING, I LET MYSELF FALL AND GIVE MY ALL. I DROWNED IN THOSE ARMS AGAIN, SWOONED OVER THOSE KISSES. I CRAVE FOR THIS. I LONGED FOR THIS. THIS IS MY ADDICTION, THIS IS MY OBSSESSION. THIS IS THE MEANING OF MY LIFE THAT I HAD GIVEN UP. I FELL IN LOVE ALL OVER AGAIN. IF THIS IS WRONG, I REALLY DON'T KNOW WHAT I SHOULD DO. MAYBE A LOT OF YOU WOULD TELL ME I SHOULD HAVE LEFT, I SHOULDN'T HAVE HELPED HIM. BUT I JUST CAN'T. I JUST CAN'T WALK AWAY. THOUGH I HAVE MIXED EMOTIONS OVER THIS, THE MINUTE HE SAID THOSE WORDS, I SURRENDERED. I CAN'T BREATH, I FEEL SO OVERWHELMED, MY EMOTIONS OVERFLOWING NOT ONLY WITH MIXED FEELINGS BUT MOSTLY WITH LOVE. I REALLY LOVE HIM SO VERY MUCH. HE IS MY LIFE AFTER ALL. I COULD NEVER NAME MY FEELINGS WITH NO OTHER NAME BUT HIS ALONE. LOVE TO ME IS HIM, DESPITE OF ALL THE THINGS HE HAD DONE AND PUT ME THROUGH. MAYBE I MADE A MISTAKE, MAYBE WHAT I'M DOING IS GOING TO DESTROY ME AFTER THIS. RIGHT NOW, RIGHT THAT MINUTE, ALL LOGICAL REASONING LEFT ME. I HAVE FOUND MY HOME. I AM HOME AGAIN.

BUT INSTEAD OF BEING THE ONE GIVING THE COMFORT, HE WAS SHOWERING ME WITH KISSES, HE WAS HOLDING ME EVER SO GENTLY. I MISS THIS. I MISS HIM. I HAD BEEN EMPTY WITHOUT THIS, I HAD BEEN RUNNING ON EMPTY WITHOUT HIM TO FILL ME UP. I AM NOTHING WITHOUT HIM. AT THE BEGINNING I REALLY WAS FINE WITH BEING NOTHING THAN STAYING WITH HIM. BUT NOW...I DON'T KNOW HOW TO ANSWER THAT ANYMORE. IF ALL OF THESE IS JUST A FARCE, AN IRONIC JOKE THAT HE IS PLAYING ON ME, THAT HE IS JUST STRINGING ME ON KNOWING MY FEELINGS, I REALLY DON'T KNOW HOW TO ACT. ONCE OUR BODIES TOUCHED AGAIN, ONCE FAMILIAR ARMS ENCIRCLED ME, DROWN ME AGAIN IN THOSE FAMILIAR LIPS, I SWOONED AND SURRENDERED TO THIS SIN THAT I HAD REPENTED MYSELF FROM. I HAD CLEANSED MYSELF FROM THIS MALADY BUT HERE I AM AGAIN, WILLING TO GO FOR ANOTHER ROUND, WILLING TO DIP MYSELF INTO POISON, IF THIS KILLS ME, I WOULD DIE HAPPY, I WOULD NOT REGRET IT.

MAYBE MY REASONING IS TWISTED, BORN FROM DELUSION, THAT ALL OF THEM ARE FALSE PROPHESIES AT THIS MOMENT, RIGHT NOW, I REALLY DON'T CARE. IF THIS IS JUST A TRICK, OR IF THIS IS JUST TEMPORARY, THAT ITS JUST BECAUSE HE'S GO NO OTHER CHOICE OR NO ONE ELSE TO TURN TO, I REALLY CAN'T HELP IT. I REALLY DON'T KNOW HOW MANY TIMES OUR BODIES CONNECTED AND FUSED INTO ONE. ALL I COULD REMEMBER IS SURRENDERING MYSELF TO OBLIVION WITH GENTLE HANDS HOLDING ME CLOSE.

I WOKE UP FROM GENTLE KISSES THE NEXT DAY. NOT KNOWING WHAT I'M SUPPOSED TO DO NEXT. IT'S LIKE WE WERE BOTH REBORN, THAT WE WERE BOTH PICKING UP THE PIECES OF WHAT'S LEFT OF OUR DISCARDED RELATIONSHIP, THAT WE ARE REPAIRING WHAT WAS LEFT OF THE HOLOCAUST OF OUR TORMENTED RELATIONSHIP, THE AFTERMATH OF THE STORM ALMOST LEFT NOTHING TO SALVAGE, JUST LITTLE BITS OF REMNANTS LEFT, NOTHING MUCH LEFT TO START OVER WITH. BUT WE DECIDED TO MAKE A NEW ONE, START ALL OVER AGAIN.

I COULD FEEL THOSE GENTLE FINGERS RUNNING THROUGH MY HAIR, TOUCHING MY FACE, CARESSING MY BACK. HE DIDN'T REALIZE THAT I WAS STILL AWAKE AND HE WAS TOUCHING ME EVER SO GENTLY FOR FEAR OF WAKING ME UP. I WANT THIS, I WANT TO DROWN MYSELF OVER THESE EMOTIONS ALL OVER AGAIN. MAYBE THIS IS WRONG. MAYBE AFTER THIS I MAY NEVER RECOVER AGAIN. BUT RIGHT HERE, RIGHT NOW, I REALLY DON'T CARE. I WANT TO BE ADDICTED TO HIM AGAIN, I WANT TO DROWN MYSELF WITH HIS SPIRIT, I WANT TO OBSSESS MYSELF AGAIN TO HIS SCENT. THERE IS NOTHING IN THIS WORLD I WANTED MORE THAN THIS...THAN HIM. CALL IT WRONG, CALL IT TWISTED REASONING, BUT IF I DIE FROM THIS, I WOULD DIE A HAPPY MAN.

IF THIS IS MY DEATH...THEN SO BE IT. BUT I WOULD GO CRAZY IF I LEAVE THIS SANCTUARY OR DELUSIONAL HAVEN. SO ALLOW ME THIS. ALLOW ME TO HURT MYSELF AGAIN. IF I DIE FROM IT, SO BE IT. LEAD ME BACK TO HIM. DROWN ME IN HIM. HE IS EVERYTHING I WANT, EVERYTHING I NEED. I WOULD WANT TO GO INSANE OVER THIS OR DIE FROM THIS, THERE IS NOTHING IN THIS WORLD THAT I WOULD WANT. THERE IS NO OTHER NAME THAT I WANT TO NAME THIS EMOTION THAN HIS ALONE. BECAUSE HE IS MY HOME. HE IS EVERYTHING THAT I AM. I AM HIS. HIS POSSESSION, AND HE IS MINE. IF THIS WRONG. IF THINGS I HAVE UTTERED REMAINED IRREVOCABLE, IT WOULDN'T MATTER. I COULD NEVER LIVE WITHOUT THIS AGAIN. IF THIS LOVE IS A SIN, SO I WILL BE A SINNER. IF THIS WRONG, THEN I WOULD CONTINUE TO KEEP MAKING A MISTAKE, IF THIS IS AN ILLUSION, THEN I WOULD BE FOREVER BE DISILLUSIONED, IF THIS IS A DREAM, PLEASE, PLEASE DON'T YOU EVER WAKE ME UP. I WOULD FOREVER DROWN IN THIS. I WOULD FOREVER COMPLETELY BE HIS.